Epidemic

Seems like we have a heroin problem each week in the paper:

A Cottage Grove woman who admitted to paramedics that she had used heroin crashed her vehicle into a traffic signal pole on the east side Tuesday afternoon, Madison police reported.

Um, don't drive and kill someone else.

Behold!

The toughest badger of them all!

Martians In G-Strings Maybe?

Maybe his erection is also an antenna?

A 50-year-old man is facing multiple charges after allegedly crashing his car into a strip club on East Washington Avenue in Madison on Tuesday night.

Police said Keith Rasmussen, 50, of Racine, was asked to leave Vision's Night Club after he vomited in the VIP area. Rasmussen got in his SUV in the parking lot, put it in reverse and slammed it into the front of the building, authorities said. A witness told police he and a woman had to jump out of the way to avoid being hit.

After hitting the building, Rasmussen's vehicle jumped the curb and drove down East Washington at a high rate of speed, according to police. A concerned citizen called 911 after seeing Rasmussen's SUV pull into a parking lot at a high speed.

When police made contact with Rasmussen in the parking lot, they asked him how he was doing. Rasmussen said, "Not good," but he had "seen some nice strippers." Police said Rasmussen then denied driving the SUV, telling police Martians helped get him to his current location.

Gein's Revival

Yep, something in the beer in this state:

LANCASTER, Wis. (AP) -- An attorney for a 23-year-old man accused of trying to dig up a dead woman in Cassville to have sex with her says his client only wanted to wanted to pose her in a "non-sexual way."

In opening statements, defense attorney Suzanne Edwards described Nicholas Grunke as a shy virgin who longed to have a girlfriend. When a 20-year-old woman died in a 2006 motorcycle crash, Edwards says Grunke wanted to "set up a little fairy-tale scenario."

Grunke is accused of attempted third-degree sexual assault, attempted criminal damage to a cemetery and attempted misdemeanor theft.

Prosecutor Tony Pozorski argued that Grunke intended to have sex with the body.

Pozorski argued that Grunke, his twin brother Alexander, and friend Dustin Radke were involved in the alleged scheme. The prosecutor says a van found near the scene contained shovels, a wrecking bar and a box of condoms.

New Name!

I think he needs a new name:

The request for a search warrant says police stopped Justin Michael Simpson Sunday as he was walking near the corner of Park Street and Wingra Drive in Madison, and the document says that Simpson was wearing a "black parka style jacket similar to that described by witnesses to the series of armed robberies."

Simpson was stopped by Madison Police Sgt. Christopher Paulson, who was part of a massive dragnet searching for the "parka bandit" in the last few weeks, said Madison Police spokesman Joel DeSpain.

Meet (needs a new name)



"NANN" is an avid gamer and routinely wipes the floor with his opponents in Halo 2. Since he rarely leaves the house, he rarely meets girls in public. When he does, he gets a stiffy, so he wears a parka to cover it, even when it's about 60 degrees. Once, when he went in a convenience store to get some Red Bull, the clerk shouted "Don't kill me!" and threw the contents of the register at him. A new career was born.

Shriveled Willy

He must have balls of steel:

Man accused of exposing himself, despite the cold

Madison police arrested a 45-year-old man who was allegedly exposing himself to rush-hour drivers Thursday evening during bitterly cold weather.

Allan T. Mailloux, of Oregon, was tentatively charged with lewd and lascivious behavior after police were called to the intersection of East Johnson and North Franklin streets around 5 p.m., Sgt. Jason Sweeney said.

Drivers were stopped at a stoplight, Sweeney said, "and this person was walking down through the vehicles and exposing himself to drivers."

Sweeney said the man was otherwise clothed. He was arrested based on a description from a witness and taken to Dane County Jail.

Temperatures on Thursday reached a high of only minus 2 in Madison. Sweeney said Mailloux was not injured in the incident.

I AM CORNHOLIO!

Some people need nannies 24/7:

It's understandable that Colin Johnson, 33, of DeForest would have a thing for police cars. He's been arrested many times, including seven times for drunken driving.

On Nov. 23, Johnson got drunk, authorities say, and put himself in close proximity to those with the ability to arrest him by wandering over to the police department parking lot. DeForest Police Officer Brian Johnson, who recognized Colin Johnson from having arrested him before, caught him with his jacket pulled up over his head spitting on cop cars. Because he was on bail at the time of the incident, Johnson now faces two counts of bail jumping.

Pioneers

We come by it honestly as you can see from an early pioneer:

Pinneo came to Madison in 1837 and built a hut on the outskirts of town (where Tenney Park is now) where he cut shingles. He worked hard when sober, something that occurred "only when every artifice and cunning had failed to provide the means of getting drunk."

Once he'd been paid in cash, "there was no more work in Pinneo, who would by a more direct route reach town in time to get glorious' long before the purchaser made his appearance with the shingles. After he had endured a week's drunk, his red face and bare breast shone in the sun with a peculiar brilliancy."

Pinneo slept outdoors and went barefoot for years. "His feet looked in shape and color like mud turtles," an acquaintance wrote, "and his toes resembled so many little turtle heads half drawn in." He had a laugh and a joke for everyone, especially when tipsy.

Like many alcoholics, Pinneo ultimately met a tragic end. He soon wandered away from Madison and died in a miner's cabin when his clothes caught fire during a drunken binge.

Ah, Wisconsin!

Ain't Got No Gas Innit

That there lawn mower had a liberal bias!

“I’ll tell you the truth,” a criminal complaint quotes an apparently inebriated Keith Walendowski. “I got pissed because my lawn mower wouldn’t start, so I got my shotgun and shot it.

“I can do that. It’s my lawn mower and my yard, so I can shoot it if I want,” Walendowski told police.........

Dick Wagner of Wagner’s Garden Mart, 6075 N. Green Bay Ave.in Glendale, said shooting the mower didn’t help Walendowski’s odds of getting it repaired.

“Anything not factory recommended would void the warranty,” he said.

And a mugshot for the ages:

Little Short On Brains

Sucks to be him:

Madisonian Kyle Wallace, 22, had a very bad Saturday night.

At about 2 a.m., Madison police responded to a disturbance on Gorham Street near State Street. At the site, Wallace told police he had been beaten up and robbed of his wallet by two males, ages unknown, one white and one black.

Police unsuccesssfully searched the area for the suspects, and then gave Wallace -- whose facial bruises did not require medical attention -- a ride to a friend's house on Monroe Street.

Soon afterwards, police were called to a car crash two blocks from the drop-off site. There they discovered Wallace had been in an accident, and had rolled his vehicle.

He was arrested and charged with a second offense of operating while intoxicated.

Get the Wallet, Get a Feel

He got a little extra:

A woman who lives on Williamson Street says a man forced entry into her apartment early this morning and grabbed her buttocks. The victim repeatedly told the perpetrator to leave. After a short while, the suspect did get out, and it was at that time the woman discovered her wallet, and some other personal items were missing. A short time later her credit card was used at an area business. The victim was not injured. The perpetrator is at large, and a detective has been assigned to the case.

High Class Criminal

Another winner from the Dairy State:

A 37-year-old Hartford man who police say robbed a gas station Tuesday and then tried to get away dressed only in his underwear -- with the stolen loot and a pack of cigarettes stuffed inside -- is expected to be charged today with armed robbery, Washington County District Attorney Todd Martens said.

According to Hartford police, the man, wearing a pair of blue coveralls, robbed the West Auto Mart at 529 W. Sumner St. just before 10 a.m. Tuesday after he purchased a pack of cigarettes. He waited until the cashier opened the cash drawer then displayed a handgun and took cash from the register.

Shortly after police arrived, Hartford Fire Chief Paul Stephans reported he saw a man exit a nearby bike path riding a bicycle and wearing only a pair of underwear.

When police made contact with the man, they noticed a wad of $412 concealed in his underwear, along with his empty wallet and an unopened pack of cigarettes, the police statement said. The amount of money was the same as that stolen from the gas station.

Police searched the bike path between where the man was found and the gas station and found the pair of blue coveralls, which they determined to be a uniform from the place where the man worked. They also found a facsimile handgun.

The man told police he had been robbed of his clothing, but that the robber did not want the money or the cigarettes. He described the man as looking a lot like him and wearing the same clothes as him.

The man was identified as the robber from videotape taken at the gas station, the police statement says.

Martens said the man is in custody at the Washington County Jail and is expected to appear in Washington County Circuit Court later today.

Pray and It Will All Be Better

This state is full of weird people:

The 12-year-old boy who lived in a Necedah residence with his mother (Lewis) and sister, said he was told the smell of 90-year-old Alvina Magdelina Middlesworth's decomposing body was caused by his unbelief that she would come back to life.

The child testified Thursday morning during a preliminary hearing for Bushey, 58, who allegedly told Lewis, to leave Middlesworth's body on the toilet and pray for her to come back to life.

Strange Wisconsin

I always tell out-of-staters that there's something in the water in Wisconsin. We get more than our fair share of crazy fuckers. So here's a new subsection of my blog!

Watch Out For Chompers

Ineffective werewolf faces drug charges

A Wisconsin man who is facing drugs and property charges after being arrested while claiming that he was a werewolf and speaking what reportedly sounded like a medieval language.

39-year-old Robert Marsh was arrested after trying to break into a woman's apartment on March 1, breaking the deadbolt on her door and grabbing her arm in the process, in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin.

He had been staying with the woman for a few days after getting out of jail, reports the Fond du Lac Reporter. During that time, he had not slept, but had drunk quite a lot and had become incoherent.

He had also mentioned frequently that he was a werewolf. In addition, he noted that was involved in witchcraft, and 'had powers'.

When confronted by police, he helpfully warned them that he was able to change form, although he politely refrained from shape-shifting whilst being arrested. He was found to be in possession of a small amount of marijuana.

In court, he gave his address as the Fond du Lac County Jail.

Police are not yet believed to have investigated the possibility that he actually is a werewolf.

Not Psychotic, but Funny
US man trapped in tank of chocolate for two hours

A 21-year-old US man was trapped in a tank of chocolate for about two hours early today.

Police Capt. Randy Berner said the worker said he got into the tank at the Debelis Corporation in Kenosha, Wisconsin, to unplug it and became trapped waist-deep in the chocolate.

Um, civil action is good, but why as clowns?
Clowns Sabotage Nuke Missile

On Tuesday morning, a retired Catholic priest and two veterans put on clown suits, busted into a nuclear missile launch facility, and began beating the silo cover with hammers, in an attempt to take the Minuteman III missile off-line. Seriously.