Wither Obama

I never did believe the overarching "Change" hype of the Obama campaign. By record, he was fairly cautious and moderate, which is what attracted me to him. After the recklessness of the Bush years and the closing of the American Era (1945-2008), I thought he'd be a good person to get the nation to take a deep breath and reassess what we were doing.

I was wrong, so let the buyer's remorse set in.

I do acknowledge that he inherited a terrible situation, one that will take time to fix. Yet the state of the economy isn't the source of my disappointment, but his solutions are. The stimulus was a waste of money that cost over $300,000 per supposed job saved. The cash for clunkers was useless and providing a huge tax break to buy houses when the real problem is that there are too many houses and too much debt. Fighting the crash of a bubble by trying to inflate another one was a main cause of the crash in the first place.

I've also changed my view of some things in the last few months. I think we can only make the problems in Iraq and Afghanistan worse just by our presence. I thought maybe we could do some good in Afghanistan, but my mind has been changed by this book. We've done the damage and we're not the solution. Even if I believed we had the best of intentions, and I don't believe we did, the road to hell is paved with them.

He's not all to blame as we have a joke of a Congress and too many people dreaming up death panels and the like, but I refuse to choose between Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum.

With that note, I do appreciate the more dialogue driven foreign policy of late and I do admire his biography. But the problem is 70,000 soldiers in Germany 64 years after the end of World War II, trillion-dollar deficits funding nothing useful, and a rotting infrastructure both tangible and not. And that's only part of it.

We'll be forced to deal with all of this, but I'd rather do it now before my country is bankrupt fiscally and morally.

Wither all of it.

Stagnation?

The last six months have been ecstasy for my muddle mind. I've gained a clarity where the world is not longer intimidating and my anxiety doesn't shut me down. I'm busy with playing rugby, volunteering at WORT, learning to cook, and planning to find a cheap flight to Amsterdam in February. Yes, Amsterdam is cold in February but a downright Caribbean heatwave compared to here.

Which reminds me a my favorite quote: "If you ever feel a sense of great of contentment, don't fret; it will pass." I don't know where it comes from, but it fits. I'm 35, so I'm creeping towards middle-age. Would I be happy married with kids? Sure. Would I be happy married without kids? Maybe. Would I be happy not being married? I don't know. Right now I'm perfectly happy on my own but the last five years have flown by, so whose to say the next five won't.

I definitely won't do anything for the hell of it, but sitting around my my thumb up my butt would make the choice for me. God knows I won't be a middle-age white guy sitting in front of his tv in the suburbs, watching the latest crap fest. But will I be happy by myself?

I don't know.

Not Another Loop...

So I got on this roller coaster and it started out rather dull. It clinked and clanked as it went up and up. Just when I was about to fall asleep, wooooshhh... down it went. "This is pretty cool" I thought. The coaster hit the bottom and my stomach felt like it was about to fly up into my mouth. Then the track twisted me 180 degrees. That pissed me off.

Then there was more of this boring climbing shit, but I thought that this may just mean another drop. I underestimated it and my heart started pounding. I went through a couple of curves and twists, nothing special, but my heart was still pounding.

Then came another ascent. My excitement built up exponentially and finally I came to the peak and.... a tiny drop, another twisted turn, and more curves. Kind of boring, but now I was pissed. Another peak and drop came and it was ok. Then the coaster stopped right where it started. Kind of a waste, I guess.

At least there's a bottle of absinthe waiting at the exit!

Ahhhh, hehe

Never laugh when a hearse goes by
Or you will be the next to die
They'll wrap you in a big white sheet
And bury you down about six feet deep
Then again in about a week....

The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out
The worms play pinochle on your snout
A big green worm with bulging eyes crawls in your stomach
and out your thighs
Your stomach turns a glossy green
And pus pours out like whipping cream
You spread it on a piece of bread
And that's what you eat when you are dead.

Cooped Up

This is the first time in a while that I've felt cooped up and confined. I'm not anxious or mad, just restless. Last night I had to dig into my old supplies just to get to sleep.

At least I have nothing schedule tonight; just stuff that I can do by my lonesome.

Pollyanna Has a Nervous Breakdown

Normally I'm a Pollyanna. I see problems and believe that they'll get better with enough effort put into the solution. From time to time, my optimism fails me. This post is just one piece that has me worried, but it illustrates my fears pretty well.

My Mood

is kind of like this, but just for today:

One, two, three
If you close the door
The night could last forever
Leave the sunshine out
And say hello to never

All the people are dancing
And theyre having such fun
I wish it could happen to me

But if you close the door
I'd never have to see the day again

If you close the door
The night could last forever
Leave the wine-glass out
And drink a toast to never

Oh, someday I know
Someone will look into my eyes
And say hello
Youre my very special one

But if you close the door
I'd never have to see the day again

Dark party bars, shiny cadillac cars
And the people on subways and trains
Looking gray in the rain, as they stand disarrayed
Oh, but people look well in the dark

And if you close the door
The night could last forever
Leave the sunshine out
And say hello to never

All the people are dancing
And theyre having such fun
I wish it could happen to me

Cause if you close the door
I'd never have to see the day again
I'd never have to see the day again, once more
I'd never have to see the day again

One Pill Makes You Calmer

Geesh, what one missed dose can do. I was not in a good mood yesterday, but after my medication and a good night's sleep, I'm fine. Being half-crazy does have it's upsides as the world never seems boring, but it's best to keep it mitigated.

Take This Bottle

Somehow I managed to down about 6-7 liters of beer over the weekend which is the biggest concentration of consumption of beer since my time in the Highlands. Needless to say, I'm moving a bit slowly today. Not because of a hangover since I thankfully don't get those or because alcohol is a depressant. I'm burnt out on people and need to be left alone. Something about work doesn't really mesh with that. Oh well.

Thankfully my birthday weekend is wide open with no responsibility. I can simply hide in my corner of the world and dream of daffodils burning on the horizon. Fuck flowers.

Better Days Have Been More Forthcoming

I'd have to say the last week or so hasn't been the greatest. I am short of work, a friend tried to kill himself and likely has permanent brain damage, my rugby game didn't go forward since only half of the team showed up, and I just have a general sense of malaise and agitation.

I need to find an expatiate, marry her, and move to wherever she is from. It won't solve anything, but it'll be fun for a while.

Extrovertigo

So the last month or so has seen a splashing return of my excessive OCD accompanied by the requisite anxiety. My mind was filled with feedback loops of counting how many years ago Fight Club came out, watching Star Trek: Enterprise religiously, rereading the historical population of Cleveland, and doing my usual obsessive behavior. Well, usual when my mind goes nuts. I did manage to fill my mind with even more useless facts that I can blurt out in social situations. Gee, I love that "what the fuck does that have to do with anything" stare.

I'm making it out of that hole by wearing my new sweatshirt with a zipper thing that is ok for work (woo-hoo security blankets!), obsessively analyzing all of the Enterprise characters, running on treadmills, staring into space, playing rugby (season's over), and of course avoiding blogging.

By dear reader(s), I am back to say, um, barsoil or something. Anyway, the only thing I could thing to write about today was watching Encounter at Farpoint last night and reading unintentional sexual innuendo into it. Very, very easy. So here's a cop-out post!

Random Ten!

1. Push Me Down - Kitty Craft
2. What a Little Moonlight Can Do - Billie Holiday
3. White Unicorn - Wolfmother
4. I Cried Like a Silly Boy - DeVotchKa
5. I'm Walkin' - Fats Domino
6. Heroes From Our Past - Dropkick Murphys
7. Ellis Unit One - Steve Earl
8. Ymaelodi A'r Ymylon - Super Furry Animals
9. Real World - Buzzcocks
10. Kissin' Cousins - The Saints

The Math of 33

So ever since I've turned 33, I've been obsessed with how long ago everything was. Case in point, I IMDB'd "Requiem For a Dream" and saw that it was released in 2000. I clearly remember going to that with my then roommate Kyle and being freaked out by it.

Anyway, that'll lead me into a thought, "Shit, what was I doing seven years ago?" Hmmm... living on Wheeler Road, still driving a pick up truck, just became a vegetarian, and well, you get the idea.

Then I'll subtract the length of years I am from that time off of that time. So 1993. I was in college, Jurassic Park was out, Bill Clinton had just become president, etc.

THEN I start feeling old because the 1993-2000 years seem like a long time where the last seven years have flown by. I start worrying that time is accelerating and I will be old soon. Then I think that I am old.

All this builds up until my safety valve blows open and I think "Fuck it" and go back to whatever I was doing before.

Go figure.

Cynicism and Optimism

As I sit here listening to the mixed CDs that I made for Shari (they should be there by tomorrow), I'm stuck thinking of my oscillation between cheery, happy shit and pessimistic, downer shit. It's been more of the latter for the last couple of weeks. Not something that I understand.

I've shrugged off changes in my age for years, but for some reason 33 seems kind of old. Every few years, I get anxious and unhappy about my situation in life. I know what has been is over and have no idea what comes next. Its kind of like the discussion that Tyler and Jack have in the bathroom in "Fight Club". Dad says "Go to college, get a job, get married" as if there's some logical progression.

Logical progressions don't impress me.

Bad Feeling

I have a feeling something is going to happen. Just in an a more abstract sense. Maybe my life is about to take a left turn. To where? Who knows.

Exhaustion..... Gee, That Again

The last week or so has been quite a challenge. I've felt the anxiety, apathy, and the whirring of my mind. Funny thing is it has made old memories clearer.

My old (and Shaun's) friend stopped by on Sunday night. We haven't seen him for a couple of years and haven't talked to him in longer. It was great to catch up and then relive the old stories for high school. Actually, those are some of the few good ones. All the old things we talked about; the heavy-metal vomit parties, driving around aimlessly, breaking into the church; seemed quite vivid.

On the flip side, I get frequent headaches, small panic attacks, and loss of concentration. This morning, I woke up with complete apathy, tremors on my left side, and a feeling like someone was sitting on my chest. All this, I could do without.

One day at a time for now....

A Place To Hide

Sometimes I like to think of places to go to be out of the way so I can just exist. I'm not sure how happy I'd actually be doing this, but it's a good daydream release. I've always thought of being near the Arctic Circle in winter as all the tourists would be gone and I may have the grudging respect and rancorous ridicule of being there when the sun is on the horizon during high noon.

So I found these out-of-the-way spots. Maybe Åsa would know something about a couple of these:

Tórshavn: 19,000 people on a series of islands of 48,000 between Norway and Iceland.

Åland: Kind of the same thing as above, but closer to larger places.

Falkland Islands: Free from invasion since 1982! Lots of sheep.

Vladivostok: Ok, this place has a lot of people, but is at the end of the line for the Trans-Siberian Railroad. The route itself is seclusion, with periodic tea and vodka breaks.

So there it is. I'm sure there's more when I find them.

How Times Have Changed

So these days I cannot drink. The slow decline of my boozing began a handful of years ago as going out was not as fun and drinking more than a couple of beers made me feel groggy. I found that I had a better time if I just didn't drink. I staid awake the whole night out and didn't devolve into the Reverend Jim Ignatowski, and a surly one at that.

The begin of the end began last year as I ticked and jerked. My doctor changed medications on me and the new one didn't go well with alkyhawl. The final nail in the coffin was yet another change in medication and my doctor said "Nyet!" to any more drinking. That was no big deal to me, as I only desired a beer every so often.

The funny thing happened today, but I must back up a little. I had the whole (I mean every one plus my uncle) over for dinner for Frank's birthday and to meet my new roommate, Stanley. My father brought over a six pack of beer. I still have a lot left over from when Shari and Michael visited and the last time the family came over for dinner.

Today when I opened the fridge, I realized that I need to rearrange the contents to fit everything so the eggs and orange juice wouldn't fall out upon the opening of the door. I saw the remenants of the six pack and said *scough* "More beer!?!"

The me of five years ago would have bitch slapped the me of today.

Headaches and Back to Work

I took almost two weeks off of work because my tremors came back again. Another medication switch and some time has taken care of that. Now I'm no longer on any OCD medicine, as that makes it worse, so I'm dealing with stress headaches here and there. I'll have those under control in due time, but that is after another ER visit (#4) , a ton of doctor's appointments, and another MRI (#3). Some people have trouble finding the right job, or have shit friends, or a family that they can't stand. I don't have that; I have weird brain functions. Thankfully, I have good people on the case.

In better news, I've finally made a damn podcast. I had to split it into two parts as Garage Band only lets me use 66 minutes per. Got me.....

Kind of How I Feel

These songs reflect what the last few days have been like. Ugh....

Optimistic - Radiohead

Not Going Anywhere - Keren Ann

Eon - Supergrass

Valediction - Richmond Fontaine

Y Teimlad - Super Furry Animals

We're Just Friends - Wilco

Isolation - Mercury Rev

Solace for Pain - The Gentle Waves

Bar Italia - Pulp

Ocean - The Velvet Underground

Renew & Restore - The Gentle Waves

Not Going Anywhere - Keren Ann

I Cried Like a Silly Boy - DeVotchKa

Why? - Slumber Party

I'm On Fire - Bruce Springsteen

Heaven - Talking Heads

Undone - Imperial Teen

You're The Storm - The Cardigans

No Lonesome Tune - Townes Van Zandt

Hidden Song - Cyann & Ben

Ghosts of Things to Come - Clint Mansell

High, Low and In Between - Townes Van Zandt

Don't Follow - Alice In Chains

Ripple - Grateful Dead

Long Way - Queen

Crown of Love - Arcade Fire

All Alone - Mad Season

Return to Oz - Scissor Sisters

I'm Set Free (Closet Mix) - The Velvet Underground

Lua - Bright Eyes

My Head Falls Softly - Kitty Craft

Behind Her Smiling Eyes - Cyann & Ben

Hell Is Chrome - Wilco

I'm Going Slightly Mad - Queen

Plastic Jesus - The Flaming Lips

Harvest Breed - Nick Drake

Pretty Things - The Gentle Waves

Just....

When I've regained my respect for humanity...


... I end up at Woodman's.....